SHIT!

Did I get your attention? Of course I did. I used one of the seven naughtiest words in the English language, and it did its job nicely. You were probably startled, wondering, “What could be wrong with this guy?” You may have been outraged too, “Where does he get off putting a word like that into a website like this?” Perhaps you were reminded of something, like, “Wow, I just ate a LOT of burritos…there could be trouble brewing!” Regardless, you probably started reading this article to figure out what merited such an indiscreet beginning.

Curse words are everywhere: movies, music, conversation, 2nd grade, but why? Because they add spice to language; because the English language, if not properly spiced, can lack flavor and flair altogether. However, for some reason, as important as they have become, and as much as the are used, curse words are still looked down upon. They are somehow ‘evil’ or ‘dirty’, they can be both ‘inappropriate’ and ‘gratuitous’, they are considered ‘disgusting’ and ‘low-class’.

Is this all true? Are curse words responsible for homelessness and America’s poor showing at the Winter Olympics? No! American culture has a number of problems, but swearing is not one of the important ones. Someone must stand up for the much maligned curse word; that person is me.

To the charge that swearing is evil…I say “Nay!” We do not live in the 15th century, despite the fact that Puritans seem to be trying to dictate culture around here. No one who peppers their conversation with curse words is actually ‘cursing’ anything. When I say, “Damn those cops and their 2 AM drinking laws,” I am NOT attempting to awaken the evil spirit Azrael and incite its wrath against local police officers. I have not one time tried to put a ‘pox’ on anyone’s family, nor do I actually commune with the devil in order to ‘damn’ anyone to an unpleasant eternity.

Besides, I have a degree in religion, and I can’t think of a single place in the Hindu Vedic texts that says, “Don’t say ‘piss’, Vishnu hates that.” Sure, the Bible says that you should not “take the name of the Lord thy God in vain,” but it doesn’t say anything about a special place in hell for those that mention the size of their ‘dick’ in casual conversation. The reality is that there is a group of people in the world trying to spoil my fun…and yours. Should you meet one of them, be sure and tell them that I said to “bugger off!” Bloody sods.

Are curse words ever unnecessary or gratuitous? You bet your ass, bitch! People use curse words carelessly and for no apparent reason. I once worked in a coffee shop with a 55-year-old co-worker. Classical music drifted from the cafe radio. He turned to me, smiled and said, “I just bought a crapload of classical records. Man, I eat that shit up!” Now, was that necessary? Absolutely not. Did I make fun of him? You better believe it.

On the other hand, profanity is often VERY helpful. It has this brilliant element of surprise that other words lack, which is precisely why it is used in movies so often. For comedy to be funny, or for action to be intense, the movie must somehow manage to give your brain something it wouldn’t ordinarily expect. In comedy, this is the punch line.

The surprise of profanity is often essential, case in point: The South Park Movie. How funny would the song, “Uncle Fucker” be, were it not laced with profanity?
“Penetrate your gosh darn butt, uncle doer…You have sex with uncles–yes you do, Nobody has makes love to uncles quite like you…”

Have you ever seen the edited version of ‘Top Gun’?
Iceman: You’re dangerous. You can be my wingman anytime.
Mavrick: That’s totally bogus.  You can be mine.
Catch my drift?

One very popular argument against curse words is that they make you sound stupid. The theory, of course, is that if you are genuinely intelligent, you will have the massive vocabulary necessary to make a point multisyllabically. Again, I am not convinced. Decide for yourself; which sentence is more effective?

A: You, sir, are a publican and a charlatan. You have raised my ire like the sword of Damocles, may it smite you, unbroken.
B: Fuck off.

Not that profanity should be used without some moderation. At some point, people who curse constantly become, shall we say, laborious? But that’s true of any excess in speech. In much the same way as you should not speak exclusively in metaphor (“My car is a sturdy war tank, but its many battles with the knights of rush hour have marred its once mighty armor!”), you should not overuse profanity. Just like it is annoying to use the word ‘like’ in every sentence, it is like, annoying to, like, overuse the word ‘dickhead’.

I remember when I first found out about the power of a curse word. I would like to say that I used that power well, but I cannot. My family and I were on a camping trip when I was eleven. Had I looked up, seen a angry, wounded grizzly bear, and exclaimed, “We have to get the fuck out of here!” that would be one thing. Instead, during a game of Trivial Pursuit around the campfire, it was my misfortune to exclaim, “I hate these shitty Canadian questions!” Had you been there to see the carnage that ensued, you would have either wondered where the wounded grizzly bear had run off to after leaving me for dead, OR you would have understood my point about the power of swearing.

My final analysis? A well placed curse word will make your speech or writing more dynamic, and more flavorful.