There’s nothing worse than being in the middle of dinner, a movie, sex or all three at the same time and having the phone ring. You obviously have to answer it because for someone to call you at 8:30pm on a Sunday it must be someone you know with some important news. So being the dependable friend/son/brother/sister you are, you pick up the phone.
You stumble, trip and almost break your neck trying to get to the phone only to be greeted by an obviously foreign sounding person with an issued American name like Mike or Shelly says,” Hello, may I speak to the man of the house?” God damned telemarketers. It’s as if the do-not-call list is as worthless as the senators and congressmen who cooked it up.
Now any normal person would just say no thank you or just hang up. We’ll I’m not what you would call normal. If they’re going to call me during prime time TV, I’m going to use these ingrates for my own personal entertainment. Here are 20 different ways you can torment the next telemarketer that interrupts your moviesexdinner time.
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…“
3. Spanish Inquisition
If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company’s name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. Call Girl
This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy, and I’m with XYZ Company. “You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”
5. Long Lost Friend
Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. No No No No No No No No
Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. I’ll Just Get My Brother
Pull the move straight from Comedy Central’s “Crank Yankers”. Tell the telemarketer to hold on while you put your brother on the phone. Now answer in another voice, and as soon as he or she starts asking questions, tell them to hold on while you put your brother on the phone.
If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask them to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Colleague Rules
Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can’t sell to employees.
11. Praise the Lord
Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, “Oh my God!” and then hang up.
12. Leave Me Alone!
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number, so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree, and you say, “Me neither!” Hang up.
13. Sorry, What?
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly, and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Just One Beer
Tell the telemarketer you are on “house arrest,” and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Um, (123) 456-7890!
Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Imagine That!
Tell the telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”
18. Dude, Quit Playing Around
Insist that the caller is really your buddy, Lenny, playing a joke. “Come on, Lenny, cut it out! Seriously, Lenny, how’s your momma?”
19. Hello, Hello… Hello?
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up…louder… louder…
20. Slow Down
Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.