By John Scheck

There’s a saying in English that you can never be too rich or too skinny. Unfortunately for the rest of us the reverse isn’t also true. You can definitely be too poor and too fat. Don’t take my word for it, go see for yourself. I would suggest you visit the snack food aisle at any Walmart to back up my statement—and how anyone finds time for a snack between a grand slam breakfast, a super-size lunch, and an all-you-can-eat buffet is a mystery to be explored at a later date. You can also be too stupid and too uneducated. Come to think of it, while few would say that they are too rich, lots of people would probably admit that they were too skinny—the last time I checked famine was considered a bad thing. This doesn’t mean that you can’t be too rich; I think the monarchs in revolutionary France learned that lesson the hard way.

“You can never be too rich or too skinny” is a statement only the most immoderate person could force themselves to utter. Those of us with even a shred of common sense know that you can have more than enough of just about anything. Only a child or a complete fool would believe otherwise yet this reckless saying lives on and seems to be the motto for a good portion of the populace hell bent on getting richer and skinnier. I suppose this is better than striving to be poorer and fatter but not by much.

I’m sure that no one would accuse me of being too funny or too witty. I’d settle for being just a little of either of those qualities. No one would say “no” to being a little rich except people who are already extremely rich, people for whom Do You Want to Be a Millionaire is some kind of nightmare tale they use to frighten their children into doing their homework. “If you don’t study you could end up like these poor slobs who only have a million dollars.” As incredible as it may seem, there are a lot of people who feel that only being a millionaire would be an unimaginable horror, akin to being a pitiably destitute character in a Dickens novel.

Probably a minute after someone coined the saying “you can never be too rich or too skinny” people started debating which of these they would choose if it came down to one or the other. I seem to have come down adamantly on the side of “neither.” As horrible as my status may seem to people who are rich, or skinny, or perhaps even both, most sensible people would believe that this would provide goals for me and other people inhabiting an un-rich and un-skinny universe. I’d rather be a better cook than wealthier or thinner and striving to become a better cook actually hinders me from being richer or skinnier.